i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
