its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
We got so high we made milksteak
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
