my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
