you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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