i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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