i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
