it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
