The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
