I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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