some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
