Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
