From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
