Whod you bang
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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