If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
