I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Life is so much better after having sex.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
