I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
