I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
