Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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