Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
