I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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