You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
