careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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