mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I need a beard to bite.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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