I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize