I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize
