Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I haven't been this sober since birth.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
