two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
