I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
why do cheetos always look like penises
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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