A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
