so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
