I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
