I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
