we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
