he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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