The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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