Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
