He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
