someone threw a dead crab at me
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
