I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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