I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
