Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
