if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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