I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
