trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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