it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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