My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
