I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
