I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
