so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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