Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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