By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I'm just crazy horny about you
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
